I feel like I’ll never walk again
August 18, 2008 by catnboot
I am doing a good job of putting a happy face. People tell me I sound good. I also hear “You’re young you’ll be fine..” But I am not young. Until I can walk I an not sure that I will ever walk again. I haven’t walked in almost 3 months - due in part to the re-rupture problem. I have no idea when I can expect to walk again.
The last doctor visit, a week ago, he really pushed my foot into a lesser angle, closer to 90%, and re-casted. Since then it has been hurting. Not constant but intermitten pain. I called and he said if it impoves with rest you’re ok. I am having a hard time with faith with doctors that don’t have “MRI” vision. “X-ray” would be useless. I want someone with “MRI” vision. How does he know it’s ok? When it re-ruptured they couldn’t tell by looking at it and couldn’t tell by the Thompson test.
I have looked to see what lessons I am supposed to be learning with this situation. I have one brother and two grown children. My son lives in the same city. I haven’t heard from my brother since I told him I was injured. My dad is dead and my mother is in the advanced stages of Alzheimer’s. My son told me that I need to find a solution that doesn’t involve calling him. He is too busy with grad school. And I truly believe he is too busy but he could at least offer moral support. I feel totally abandoned by family.
I have help that I have hired and one good friend that I know from work. Without her help I wouldn’t be here. So I have learned that I must readjust my expectations about family. That I must work to create a network of friends that are my new family. I have learned that I cannot isolate myself. I have always been able to relay upon me to take care of me. I have never been injured or been sick before now. It is devasting to me to need help, ask for it and sometimes not get it. But it is one those thing that I need to pray for the strength to accept.
These words sound so feeble but they are all I have to offer, “Hang in there - it WILL get better.”
You are not alone, either in your experience or your circumstance. Our modern lifestyles have shifted the family dynamics for a lot of us - we are no longer surrounded by large, close-knit families. We have to build our own family - sometimes not realizing the need for it until times like this. I have a couple of relatives close by, but called on a close friend instead who has been an angel through all of this. It is so hard to ask for help, when I am used to offering it. But I have learned that most people like to help - it makes them feel good and valued, if I let them help in their way and means.
Maybe this experience will give you the opportunity to start a network of buddies for you and others who have limited or no family in your area and you can grow to depend on one another for moral and other support. It may start with you, but maybe it could extend to others, too, so that when you are healthy, you can provide to someone else the same services you are in need of now.
Anyway, hang in there. It WILL get better. * hugs *
Hi Catnboot
Your post sounds very similar to one that I posted in June when I felt really very very low, thought nothing would go right for me and was feeling very sorry for myself. That was because, like you I never thought I would be able to walk properly again.
I’m still not 100%, far from it, but walking is considerably easier and just using one crutch. I know you are having more problems than most of us, not just with the injury but also the lack of moral support, but, we are all here for you.
I am older than you 59 next week so I know how hard it is but, please try and think positive it will improve, I had awful heel pains for weeks that kept me awake most nights and that contributed to my worries.
Go to my site and read my post of 13 June - ‘Am I cracking up’ and you will see what I was going through, now I feel smashing.
Don’t despair
Annie
Hi Catnboot,
Hang in there. I live in Louisiana but work in San Diego (I travel a lot so I did not have my family move out here). I also live on the second floor without an elevator. Thankfully the handrails are close. Going up I use the crutches but going down I use the handrails and basically do a dip on each stair.
My family came out to see me the day after my surgery. Since they were in California they basically were on vacation. I saw them for a few minutes every morning then they went to Disney World, Sea World, everywhere but to see me.
I went to the grocery store yesterday and it took 3 trips to bring 4 small bags of groceries upstairs. As I was leaving the store the bag boy tells me they have home delivery. Now I know.
Friday was my first day at PWB so I look forward to moving on.
Hang in there. You can do anything you set your mind too (I didn’t think I was going to make that 3rd trip upstairs.
DrLeo
With a re-rupture you are experiencing much more mental challenges than most of us (except other “re’s” and the double booted super hero on the site). I can only offer support. I live alone and on day 1 decided to hire someone for four hours a day to help with cooking, cleaning (I’m a neat freak), laundry, getting the mail, garbage, keeping my plants indoors and outdoors alive. This felt great b/c it lessened the burden on neighbors, friends and family. Even though they would drop by often (and I always needed some sort of help) it was nice to have someone I could order around. Feel lucky you are able to hire such a person. Its tough to ask for help, but its one of the things i’ve learned to do, and I’m going to help ANYONE that needs it when I can walk.
Back to YOU…hang in there. YOU KNOW we are here for you everyday. Vent away, but remember to tell us those little successes! They make the difference. kkdub
Hey there! Thinking about you. Each day, you are getting better. It’s just one of those days that you are having. You are doing a great job. It’s hard to ask for help for everything. I always had to have someone come over and help with groceries, taking the trash out. My hubby travels quite a bit and I have 2 young kids. I appreciate those friends who called and helped me out. Most people don’t get it. All of us know now, if we didn’t know before, how much it means to give to others in need. That’s just what this site is…a place to vent, to get ideas and for people to help out…even if via email. I’m thinking will my wound ever close, but, I know it will…in time. While it does I have to keep going and get better each day…just like you are doing. Just in the last week I’m able to put weight on it…and, I’m at about 4 mths. Just keep remembering…this too shall pass…this too shall pass. Soon, you’re life will be the rush here, rush there…so, keep your leg up and relax and let your body heal. You can do it! Knowing you’ll have a better day tomorrow!
I do know how you feel a little bit. I live in San Francisco and my entire family is on the East Coast. My 78 year old father came out to help with my two young children this summer, but now he needs to return home. My mother can’t drive (and now neither can I) and hasn’t offered to come anyway! My sister has 3 kids of her own, and my brother just had a new baby. I have always been able to take care of me and everyone around me, so this has been extremely hard to take in. I too have had to learn to ask for help, and frequently not get it. Friends and neighbors and acquaintances from school can only do so much. Even my closest friends have been scarce lately. I don’t get it, but I will have to adapt. I have a wonderful woman who comes once a week to clean our house, and I called her today to see if she would come more frequently to help me with all the stuff I now can’t do. I cried at how pathetic I feel now, but I made the call and we will talk about it, so hopefully that will help too.
You are doing all you can, and you will find the help you need. I can’t imagine staring down this road twice…you are very strong, and will overcome this setback. Our bodies WILL heal, and this will pass…and many of us experience these feelings. You will heal. I am thinking of you.
hilary
I have just read through all the messages sent to Catanboot and it seems we really are a very resilliant lot, we have all had to adapted to our very difficult situations and have coped extremely well.
I have always helped anyone who needs it and will do so even more in the future, I cannot express how much we need our other halves and how much stress is put on them as well.
We really are a great lot on this site, good luck to everyone.
Annie
Hi annieh,
Thanks ever so much for the supportive message. Some days are just bad. It is a blessing to have this website to go to. We are an amazing group of people. No one that hasn’t been through this knows what it is like. I think most people think of like a sprained ankle or even broken foot.
It helps to know that people do walk again! I am only 4 weeks out from my second surgery. So I think even PWB may be awhile. As much as I want to walk, I will not let them rush me.
thanks - Catherine
Hi drleostev ,
I am from Louisiana also. I have family in Baton Rouge. And I have lived in New Orleans and Shreveport. And I went to LSU.
I want thank you for your support. As far as stairs goes, I go up and down on my butt using my one good foot and arms. The advantages are less risk of falling and really strong arms. Of course it really looks pathetic.
As for the grocery store. I am using Whole Foods shopper service. Once it is set up then you email your list and call them when you get to the parking lot. I get things from the deli so there is no cooking to do. Other than that I know all the drive thru restaurants on my path to work and back.
-Catherine
I think we all have felt some kind of despair over the course of the injury. I absolutely recall wondering why my closest friends seemed so removed from what I was going through — and how others surprised me. I also remember that I wondered if I needed to get some new friends.
I would like to think that I would extend myself to friends who are disabled, but prior to this, I am not sure I would have really understood the needs. I would like to think that I am a thoughtful and considerate person, but my eyes were opened with this injury.
You are going to walk again! Believe it, although you got a double whammy. When you are healed, you will have time and energy to further develop your support system.
Catnbot~
Thanks for replying to my post and giving me a little hope. Sounds you need some too. I know as much as I get down that I WILL get better because I WANT to. That is the mindset that each of us need to have to heal. Lack of Faith in Dr’s is normal unfortunatley because they aren’t in our shoes….and I wish they were!!! Just take each day and make an attempt to find something to be posistive. There always is. My grandmother used to tell me story, this might sound a little harsh to some, so I apologize, but it rings true to me after all these years. ~~~~ There was a girl in a concentration camp in WWII who survived by finding faith, everyday she found something to be thankful for, then on the coldest day of winter, no food for days, wet clothing, not a dry place to sleep, one of the other women said “I bet you can’t find anything to be thankful for today….” She thought long and hard. Then she replied “Today, I am thankful for the the lice that I have”. The other women looked confused. She continued …. “at least it keeps the guards from using us…”
Stay strong and find something each day that you can be happy about. If she could, you can
Keep in touch
catinboot, Stay strong. I am 5 weeks out from my 2nd surgery. I have been really anxious and paranoid lately. I understand your feeling of never walking again, it sneaks up on me sometimes. But we will. I have been blessed with helpful family and friends, sometimes too helpful. They won’t go home! I keep tellling myself that after almost 3 months not walking, with a week of boot walking in the middle, a few more weeks is cake. As you know, that is easy to say. I wish I could send one of my buddis over to help you cook and clean.
Matt
Great to hear! I was wondering if anyone has had a conservative repair of their re rupture? I have a long story where I ruptured my Achilles playing netball 11 months ago with surgery. Never really recovered and was still limping up until a few weeks ago when I reruptured. It’s due to an infection from the screw anchor in my heel bone. Currently had first surgery to remove infection and on high strength antibiotics, but thinking that I might try conservative first this time around