one bad holiday

We had all been looking forward to a fantastic holiday in the Dominican Republic Bavaro staying in the Riu Bamboo.There was my wife, 2 sons and there freind.We had flown from Manchester to Punta Cana on the Monday 21 07 2008 my birthday.Stunning beach but new that bacause we had been before so I new what to expect or at least I thought I did.On the first full day we had been to the welcome meeting as all guest do and so listened to all the things to do and about the complex as we had not stayed at this particular hotel.The doctors reception was mentioned but hey I didn’t need that info I’m fit healthy, weight trained,played professional rugby league(only injuries I occured in 7 years where broken and dislocated fingers, smashed nose ,dislocated jaw,popped rib cartlidge,both ac joints in my shoulders,both wrists,knees and ankles but hey thats a full contact sport no pads but no serious injuries that sidelined me more than a few weeks).Check you tube for rugby league big hits no pads lol.Anyway back to how it happened,I’d been to the gym ,on the tread mill for 40 mins then did a light routine on the weights and felt great.We all went for lunch and then back to the beach.At about 3 45pm the lads came to the beach from the pool.At about 4pm I joined them in the sea but asI entered the sea I was a little over knee height when I deceided to dive the rest.As I launched of my left foot there was a hollow in the sand and my foot went onto the upstand of the hollow and hyper extended my calf.I didn’t feel much pain at all but felt something soot up my lower leg.My first reaction was I had only torn my calf,not too bad but the kids had to carry me to the room.My wife got hold of the doctor( by the balls)only joking and he ordered an ambulance.I was taken to the hospital with siren blarring thinking it ain’t bad and laughing with my wife Martine.When we arrived they took me to the a&e room and Martine went to reception to sort out the insurance.At this point a doctor came in and asked all these questions and then put his fingers where my achilles should have been.What happened next to me is a bit of a blur cos as you can imagine thousands of miles away from home,fit and healthy one minute on a fantastic holiday and the next being told you have snapped your achilles tendon,will be operated on in less than 6 hours (if insurance approved or we pay deposit which we did)and how long I would be of work with no pay.I shouted Martine and when she came in I leaned up to tell her what was happening and that I was in deep shit not with the injury but with the extent of being out of work I passed out.When I came round I couldn’t stop shaking and the passed out again (what a tart).I was in shock so they started to monitor my blood pressure which was all over the place.Martine sorted out the deposit with the credit card and with in 3 hours I was going down to the operating theatre.They wanted to give me an epidural but I shit out and good job too I was under for nearly 3 1/4 hours.I came round in the itc unit as a precautionary coz of my bp.When I properly came round I thought the old man was a bit tender so I took a peak.Oh shit there was this huge firemans hose coming out of the end and I looked further down and guess what ? there was a fireman who just winked(lol).Anyway back too reality that pipe flippin hurt I tried to take it out but shite the pain.I managed to attract the nurse who was on centary duty who kindley ripped the ¬£$%%^^&&& out,I nearly flew home under my own steam.I didn’t no what to concentrate on the most my ankle,my old man,the thought that someone had been doing this to my best mate why I was a sleep(I checked my bum I was still a virgin not tampered with alhtough I did think it strange when Iwas having my temperature tested and the doctor inserted a large thermometer up my bum and then he placed his hands on my shoulders lol),or the fact that some woman other than my missus grabbing hold of the old man putting it over her shoulder and another nurse shouting in Spanish my god it’s massive and winching in the firemans hose.Embarrising really.I was the in for another shock The daily bed bath (yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaahh),the nurses where stunning well they’d stun a cow,they had hairy top lips,1 o’clock shadows,tea bag stains under there arms and smelled of Fleetwood fish market.In there pigeon english¬† they told me which side to roll on, lift my arms, they washed my arse, my face,my leg, hey not in that order I know what you where thinking shitty face but no,it was my face then my arse then my old man.I’ve just realised sumat………..it’s all clicked into place,that doctor would smile at me in the must uncomfortable manner to which I would smile back,now I realise it was my shitty old man he must have thought………………….no,no,no,no,erase that from your minds you filthy lot.Anyway back to the real stuff I had drips coming out of me I had injections everyday to stop thrombosis in my stomach,painkilling drips as well as anti flux injections for my stomach and antibiotics.I had a full leg cast on and was not allowed to leave the bed so peepee and caca (stop laughing you lot this caused me alot of stress and loss of dignity you know,there’s not alot of people who have had there arses wiped by someone else apart from there mum’s.My mum stopped when I was 16……Anyway do you know what? none of you realise the special bond you have which grows between you and the other person when they have got there hands full of your shit yes your shit, up there sleeves, under there nails and when they forget what they are doing they wipe there nose.That incredible whiff of shit and thats just under there nose lol.When someone is wiping your ass have you ever thought about what topic of conversation you have?Oh the weathers a bit shit or that food was crap,or are you into astronomy and whats your favourit planet………..no you thought I was going to say Uranus but no I was going to say delta foxtrot bravo12345678990987655432 which is 1500000 million light years and I ain’t got a shit in hells chance of getting there,are the farmers muck spreading.In actual fact Martine had to do it so you can imagine the phone call about 8.30am every morning for the next 8 days” Hya Paul sleep well” me “yeh you “Martine “I’m going to go for some breakfast then spend an hour on the beach, then have some dinner then come and see you ,it’s only 40 mins away”me “oh that’s nice lovely I’ll look forward to seeing later then bye love bye.No you put the phone down first “marts”no you” me ” no you ” Marts”no you”me and Marts”we’ll do it together then ……..on three,one ,two,three”and down they go,well I didn’t quite coz it was a real test of love so just before I let it go down I stopped.I put the phone to my ear and there was silence,no dialing tone nothing,then in the background there was a little rasping sound no it was more of a farting sound(that was me)then Iheard her say” was that you,you dirty shit it’s a good job I weren’t wiping your ass it would have been all the way up my arm”me”bye luv”slamming the phone down.Bloody hell I forgot to tell her to hurry up the turtles heads popping and doing a dot to dot on the bed sheets.Well I’m gonna sign out now so I hope I have not bored you or offended anyone because everyone who looked after me there,doctors,nurses ,Thomas Cook reps , ambulance staff and everyone at the hospital where absoloutely fantastic.One special mention to Martine she is an outstanding person ,wife ,lover,arguer,cook,farter,wiper of an asser and I wouldn’t change for the world .One thing though she answered her phone when in the middle of wiping not whippnig, thats another story,my ass anyway she must of miss placed her phone because it was only when it had an incoming message that I realised that something was wrong,it felt funny at first and then it became sort of well urm! cough !did anyone watch the match? sort of nice.So I ended up with a massive phone bill cos you can imagine I couldn’t help but keep ringing myself lol.And what a long ring tone,I was gutted when the battery died and you should of seen the nurses faces when it rang while having a bed bath.It was ace when a fax would come I had the cleanest arse around.Anyway thanks for blogging or logging or what ever you do and I hope I cheered you up somewhat cos if you are in this situation you have to keep hold of the positves and keep your chin up or chins lol.No fingers or animals where hurt in the making of this essay(wot bollocks),keep smiling your be back on your feet soon.I’ll blogg again in a bit but I need to caca and peepee it’s funny how things stick.

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