bored and grumpy
So my leg feels fine now, and things are to the point where it isn’t a problem for me to get out of the house and go to the grocery store or Target, etc. But not to the point where I can hang out somewhere for a couple hours, or whatever, so I am in this limbo, and it’s getting frustrating. My kids are down South with their mother visiting her side of the family, and I miss them, and triathlon season is starting, and this other website (triathlon-related) that I am on all the time, I don’t really even feel like going on. Yet all my friends and support network through this have been local people I’ve met through the site. They’ve all been super with coming over and helping, but I am just sick of sitting in the house, and all we talk about is triathlon and working out, and I’m just tired of it. I actually spoke with my wife (we’re separated) yesterday for about an hour and a half, and it was good talking to her, which is adding to my angst.
I want to go to this pizza place I like and get a takeout pizza, but I can’t carry it… I have all this trash upstairs that I need to take out but I can’t, just all this stuff that you take for granted, that you just can’t do. I got a message on the other site today saying something like "why so down today?" and it’s like, you know, I’ve had a pretty good and upbeat attitude about all this… I think I’m entitled to have one or two days when I’m not feeling all that great. I’m tired of watching college basketball (can you imagine?), tired of watching movies, tired of having 6 loads of laundry pile up, tired of not spending time with my kids, tired of this place being a mess. I know in the big picture things could be much, much worse, but sometimes one just needs to vent.
I just find myself wishing away the next 4-5 months, basically.
on March 17th, 2009 at 5:16 pm
newleaf - Me too! I too am finding the mental recovery as difficult as the physical. I have some really great days, most days are okay, and then I have some really crappy days. This friday, I pretty much cried all day. Just couldn’t deal with it anymore. That “big picture” stuff helps and hurts. To try to stay positive, I kept telling myself that its just my achilles, not something terminal. I’ll get better, its just time. The problem with this line of thinking is that when I do get down, I feel guilty for feeling down when there’s not that much wrong with me! And then I feel worse. I think its pretty normal, and we’ll find it will get better. I’ve had to let go of the housework stuff this time around, and we’ve splurged on the cleaning lady, just every 2 weeks. Its probably the same as I was spending in gas (its my R leg too). Hey - I just googled “laundry service in Sterling” and the Sterling Coin Laundry has a wash and fold service and pick up and delivery. Try “errand service” too. I’ve actually felt much better since Friday when I just let it all boil out. Here’s to a better day tomorrow!
on March 17th, 2009 at 11:06 pm
newleaf: FULL ON understand what you mean. i am a pretty positive person overall so when i get down or depressed no one seems to understand and they just blow it off. I want to cuss at them and say you dont know what the (insert any word) I (we) are going through. it isn’t easy being dependant, immobile, bored, and frusterated all at once. Sometimes i do wish that I could sleep the next 6 months off but we can’t. When i get like this honestly i pick up a book of crosswords and word searches and just start working on those to get my mind off of things. Or if my wife and kids aren’t around, I play playstation. Anything to get distracted. one day at a time buddy we’ll get through this.
on March 18th, 2009 at 4:59 am
Newleaf: I KNOW EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL! And then I do the same thing as Marianne where I feel guilty for being so frustrated because I have friends with MS and some with cancer and all I have is bad Achilles tendons. I finally had a cousin tell me the other day that I should have no guilt for feeling frustrated. He basically told me not to write off my feelings just because others have conditions that I would rather not have. I mean there was someone at my church who had to have his bu## hole removed!!! I am thinking okay, I’ll go with the Achilles problems.
I am sick of my life revolving around my legs. I am sick of going to the doctor and having them tell me… “Whoa.. you are nothing but a race horse. Watch out or you will end up like Barbaro. Stay on your backside. You can’t do that yet, You can’t do this yet. You can’t, you can’t, you can’t, you can’t…….. ” arrrrghh!
I think my family is pretty tired of me and this situation too. I wish I could go away and come back when I am well. Then maybe I wouldn’t be a worry for them. My husband is on vacation this week and my kids on Spring break and I can’t really do much of anything with them.
-Smish
on March 18th, 2009 at 6:07 am
Newleaf,
I totally agree with you on the college bball watching…I think I watched almost every major conference and wack conference games, and now march madness has lost its appeal.
I agree with all the other comments regarding the mental aspect. Lately I’ve found myself to be very irritable and short with my girlfriend. My subconscious guilt and self-pity sometimes gets the best of me, but it passes. Obviously I wish there was a on-off switch for this kind of behavior, but we can’t help it.
So I hope everyone keeps sharing and venting.
on March 19th, 2009 at 6:26 am
Need a good laugh? I know everyone has the 4 minutes to watch this:
http://www.youtube.com:80/watch?v=LoGYx35ypus