Kicking Back - From Torn Tendon to Black Belt

I’m taking my belt test to begin my black belt training period tomorrow, and if I could tell you in one word how I feel right now, that word would be “fear”.

It’s not so much fear of what is on the test or of looking bad.  I’ve trained hard in the last few weeks to get to where I am with forms, breaking techniques, etc.  Now it’s just a matter of whether this body, which has seen its fair share of disease and injury, can stay in one piece through this test.  Sometimes I visualize myself going through the test, kicking and screaming and leaving it all out on the mat, and then feeling that all-too-familiar “pop” and realizing what the next year of my life would be.  The pain, the drugs, the cast, the pity.  And yes, this makes me feel fear.

But I don’t think we should run away from this fear.  It’s not so much an indicator of bad things to come as it is nature’s way of giving us heightened awareness.  You could even say that fear, whether manifested in an insect about to be swatted or an army officer entering battle, is not something that tells us that we are doing something that we shouldn’t do - in many cases it is telling us that we are about to do something great, something we have to do.  And so every time I visualize myself tearing my left tendon again, or tearing my now tight right tendon, I visualize something new.  I picture myself feeling pain, feeling tension, and asking the instructor if I may stop and stretch for a moment.  And then I come back, kicking, screaming, and loose, and I power through that board with every ounce of energy I have.

Last week, my right calf cramped up to the point where I felt physical pain when walking - I could literally feel it tugging at my right achilles tendon.  A friend told me that I needed to stop taekwondo until it was loosened again, and this time I listened.  I stopped going to practice and instead heated and stretched on my own until my leg felt completely normal again, which it did after a couple of days.  The Vijay of 1 year ago would not have done this.  He would have said “psh, suck it up and train!” and gone to practice.  Many of you are in some stage of hurting, whether its physical pain or not being able to run as fast as your friends.  Know your limits.  Don’t let fear control you -  let it give you a heightened sense of awareness.

I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about why this injury happened to me, as I am sure many of you have, regardless of your particular faith or spirituality.  Many people told me that “this is what I get ” for doing such a full contact sport that pushes the body so much.  But I disagree.  I think this happened to me because while I had passion and energy, I lacked a mature awareness of myself and my limits.  I am a full believer in infinite human potential, but I see now that we need to know our limits today to push them to become the limits of tomorrow.  That is the lesson I take from the last year of my life.  So yes, I am afraid.  Yes, I fear that if I tear my right achilles it will ruin my sister’s wedding which begins the next day.  Yes, I fear that I’ll spend another semester on crutches.  But I also trust in myself far more than before.  I trust that I have gained newfound awareness of myself.  I trust that I know my own limits and I will not sacrifice my health.  I trust that this fear has made me ready.

Hopefully after tomorrow I’ll have good news to post - until then, keep kicking back!