Commitment
November 22, 2009
This post is going to be less about the physical battle with recovery and more about the mental battle. The last few months have been a time of deep reflection in many ways for me, both as a student thinking about entering the world, as a person thinking about who I want to leave and what mark I want to leave in this world, and as an athlete thinking about whether or not this is the end of my Taekwondo career.
I told myself that I would go back to practice in November, and keeping in my tradition of headstrong reckless action, I went to a practice in early October. Overall, it was a pretty horrible experience - I had lost the spring in my step, I couldn’t support my right leg kicks with my left leg and I couldn’t spring off the ground to execute my left leg kicks. Combine that with possibly the stiffest, sorest ankle possible the next day, and I was pretty convinced that this was the end of taekwondo for me.
Around the same time, I had been reflecting on graduate school decisions, the value of my education at MIT, and what I wanted to change about the world. I pretty much shut down for two months, spending most of my time thinking and being frustrated about who I was and wondering if I’d ever be able to meet any of the goals I set out to accomplish in life. I missed the corporate recruiting period, started slacking in classes, and spent most of my time getting to know a person who grew to become one of my best friends. In one of my deep conversations with her, I realized that something was missing in my life and it wasn’t just kicking things. I was missing the discipline, the commitment, the drive to improve myself and give everything I had, kicking and screaming, to accomplish my goal. I was missing Taekwondo.
Now for those of you who are reading this and are injured, about to have surgery, or looking for inspiration after your surgery, this is the part I want you to read more than anything else. There is absolutely nothing on this earth that the human spirit cannot conquer, and if you are sitting there in your boot and don’t believe me, keep reading this and watch me prove you wrong.
I decided after that conversation that I was going to bring TKD back into my life, but this time I was going to have a plan.
Step 1: set a goal to get back to TKD in a month - long enough away to make a change but close enough to get moving NOW
Step 2: every day, until it hurts or the muscle is tired, do ankle lifts (double leg if necessary, then single leg)
Step 3: do not let yourself even THINK of kicking until you can hop on the weak leg consistently
Step 4: Get a friend to rope you into coming to practice and make sure you make it. Admit to yourself that the only thing holding you back is fear and not soreness.
Step 5: Meet your goal, be proud of yourself, and then do it again. and again. and again.
I followed these steps over the last month, standing on my left leg in subway trains, doing P90X leg workouts in my room to build leg strength, and keeping my eye on the calendar to meet my goal.
I went to practice last monday, and it was amazing. Yes, I was out of shape and slower than most, but it dawned on me in the middle of practice as I stood there, muscles tired and drenched in sweat - this was a mental battle, and I just started winning.
I will be testing in a few weeks to begin my black belt training period, the first milestone towards meeting my goal and showing martial artists with injured achilles tendons everywhere that this can be done. I will have to hold myself to higher and higher standards as that time approaches, and it is only going to get harder. Eventually I will have to ramp up from 2 practices a week to 4, and eventually I will have to spar people again. But I am approaching these new steps with an attitude of conviction, not aggression. If there is once piece of advice I can impart, it is that when we combine patience with perseverance, we can do anything. Be passionate but beware of going too far - it is important to always keep your goal ahead of you and take steps in the right direction, however small they are.
I hope to post again soon as I learn more on this journey, but until then, keep on fighting in your own way and believe that you can and will be stronger than ever before.