I like boots, but this is ridiculous…

Have been feeling generally icky lately.  I’m sure it has to do with almost 2 months of relative inactivity.  I’m still weighlifting, and now biking, but not as much and definitely not as intensely as I’d like.  Just feel like one of the few things I really gave 100% to has been taken out of my life.  Blah.  I really, really depended on exercise to keep me sane.  My happiness has always been tied strongly to the strength of my body.  I’m only now beginning to think maybe I need to think about finding something else to tether my happiness to.  I mean, hell, we’re all going to get old someday anyway.  Best to have a plan B when that inevitability hits me.  Did I mention I’m practicing guitar?  MAN, I’m bad.

 But this is not going to be a depressing post because I did some great things this weekend. 

1. I went to the Law School graduation of a friend who got brain cancer his first year of law school, the same year his mother died.  A tumor the size of a billiard ball, incidentally.  No joke.  I still remember when he was diagnosed, and that kid has been through so much more than me, I felt bad even mentioning any discomfort around him.  So tendon-shmendon.  I’ll be jogging before he passes the bar exam.  And frankly, I’d rather have an ATR than have to go through that again.
2. I had friends for dinner for the first time since the ATR.  This was a nearly weekly event for me, so YAY for normalcy
3. Gardened with my ma and she acknowledged that she never realized how much she depended on me to help with things until she couldn’t ask me do to them.  Instead of depressing me, this made me feel good–that I AM, in fact, useful to my parents who are so good to me.
4. At dinner with a group of friends, one of them asked me if my foot was “still bothering me.”  I was so shocked at the naivite of that question I just laughed and said “yeah.”  A couple weeks ago I probably would have gone off on her about how I’m not wearing this &%$# boot to attract men, for God’s sake!  So I like to think I’m staying mentally healthy.  I hope. 

Totally dreamed I was jogging at the Penninsula.  In my dream I was aware that I had had my ATR injury… some time ago… but I wasn’t concerned about it.  And I wasn’t winning any prizes, just jogging along.  You’d think it would have depressed me waking up to the stiff-ankled reality, but it didn’t.  I felt sort of deliciously refreshed.  I feel like it was a premonition of things to come.

Went last night to my first spyn class.  Felt great just be be around my gym buddies, even if I was just stationary biking with minimal resistance.  Was able to keep it up for 35 minutes, broke a good sweat, and had a legitimately sore backside when it was all over.  The instructor for that class is so supportive.  She made eye-contact checks on me, raised her eyebrows as if to say “how are you doing, hon?  don’t overdue, but you’re doing great!”  Major mental boost.  Looking forward to my next doc visit in a week.  Hope to get my PT prescribed and maybe get to take the boot off for certain scenarios.

Went to a movie with a friend last night.  He’s NOT athletic.  But was able to explain to him why, in my mind, this injury is so different to me.  I’ve broken my arm, sprained my ankle, and sliced my scalp in a car accident.  But these were understandable–me against the laws of physics of falling on a rock, stepping in a hole, and running into a house in my car.  I can understand loosing THAT battle.  But this injury was a failure of my body.  My body let me down–SNAP!–with no warning and no crazy reason.  I think the adjustment in my mind of that even being a possibility makes this injury different.  In addition to the insanely long recovery time.  It has forced me to reevaluate how much I can rely even on myself, and strangely, my place in the physical universe.  Strange, but true.  I hope that this kind of existential re-evaluation of my body and what I can ask of it makes me a wiser, more patient person.  I hope…