I like boots, but this is ridiculous…

Met this morning with the Doc and his new rotation-doc shadow.  He’s pleased as punch with my progress.  My tendon is filling in nicely and “impressively supple.”  That’s a great line.  I mean, any girl likes to be told that about any number of her tendons, etc., so I’m thrilled.

 Told him I’d been lurking in my apartment in stocking feet, that I’d been FWB for almost 3, and he seemed fine with that.  “It’s not painful?  Good, fine.  Sounds good.”  He didn’t feel the need to prescribe PT yet, since I was doing ROM exercises regularly on my own.  I asked about Theraband work, and he said to go right ahead, starting with some rubber tubing he got me.  Every time I said “Can I …”, doc said “sure”.  Which made me feel like I’m pretty much the captain of this recovery ship.  Which is fine.  He seemed comfortable with that, and so am I.  Mostly because I have this blog as my sounding board.  Thanks guys!

Basically, he said he’d like me in the boot for another month, but that in predictable places I can go ahead and 2-shoe it.  That is to say, always wear the boot at the gym and around drunk people.  But if I’m going to be in my clean apartment, or walking on the flat sidewalk at the Penninsula, I’m good to go in shoes.

Have been feeling generally icky lately.  I’m sure it has to do with almost 2 months of relative inactivity.  I’m still weighlifting, and now biking, but not as much and definitely not as intensely as I’d like.  Just feel like one of the few things I really gave 100% to has been taken out of my life.  Blah.  I really, really depended on exercise to keep me sane.  My happiness has always been tied strongly to the strength of my body.  I’m only now beginning to think maybe I need to think about finding something else to tether my happiness to.  I mean, hell, we’re all going to get old someday anyway.  Best to have a plan B when that inevitability hits me.  Did I mention I’m practicing guitar?  MAN, I’m bad.

 But this is not going to be a depressing post because I did some great things this weekend. 

1. I went to the Law School graduation of a friend who got brain cancer his first year of law school, the same year his mother died.  A tumor the size of a billiard ball, incidentally.  No joke.  I still remember when he was diagnosed, and that kid has been through so much more than me, I felt bad even mentioning any discomfort around him.  So tendon-shmendon.  I’ll be jogging before he passes the bar exam.  And frankly, I’d rather have an ATR than have to go through that again.
2. I had friends for dinner for the first time since the ATR.  This was a nearly weekly event for me, so YAY for normalcy
3. Gardened with my ma and she acknowledged that she never realized how much she depended on me to help with things until she couldn’t ask me do to them.  Instead of depressing me, this made me feel good–that I AM, in fact, useful to my parents who are so good to me.
4. At dinner with a group of friends, one of them asked me if my foot was “still bothering me.”  I was so shocked at the naivite of that question I just laughed and said “yeah.”  A couple weeks ago I probably would have gone off on her about how I’m not wearing this &%$# boot to attract men, for God’s sake!  So I like to think I’m staying mentally healthy.  I hope. 

Totally dreamed I was jogging at the Penninsula.  In my dream I was aware that I had had my ATR injury… some time ago… but I wasn’t concerned about it.  And I wasn’t winning any prizes, just jogging along.  You’d think it would have depressed me waking up to the stiff-ankled reality, but it didn’t.  I felt sort of deliciously refreshed.  I feel like it was a premonition of things to come.

Went last night to my first spyn class.  Felt great just be be around my gym buddies, even if I was just stationary biking with minimal resistance.  Was able to keep it up for 35 minutes, broke a good sweat, and had a legitimately sore backside when it was all over.  The instructor for that class is so supportive.  She made eye-contact checks on me, raised her eyebrows as if to say “how are you doing, hon?  don’t overdue, but you’re doing great!”  Major mental boost.  Looking forward to my next doc visit in a week.  Hope to get my PT prescribed and maybe get to take the boot off for certain scenarios.

Went to a movie with a friend last night.  He’s NOT athletic.  But was able to explain to him why, in my mind, this injury is so different to me.  I’ve broken my arm, sprained my ankle, and sliced my scalp in a car accident.  But these were understandable–me against the laws of physics of falling on a rock, stepping in a hole, and running into a house in my car.  I can understand loosing THAT battle.  But this injury was a failure of my body.  My body let me down–SNAP!–with no warning and no crazy reason.  I think the adjustment in my mind of that even being a possibility makes this injury different.  In addition to the insanely long recovery time.  It has forced me to reevaluate how much I can rely even on myself, and strangely, my place in the physical universe.  Strange, but true.  I hope that this kind of existential re-evaluation of my body and what I can ask of it makes me a wiser, more patient person.  I hope…

Have walked sans-boot around my dinky little apartment.  It started as standing in the shower, and progressed to “I’m not putting that #@*& boot on for the 10 feet between my bed and the bathroom”.  Now I’m shuffling that little foot around in it’s clean cotton sock everytime I’m home.  It’s a safe place that’s 90% hallway for me to grab on to.

Anyway, gimping around my apartment scares me a little.  My poor little foot feels like a dead fish at the end of my leg, and totally useless.  Can anyone out there give me an idea when the foot starts feeling useful?  I’m almost at 6 weeks and wondering when those that went before started feeling some strength in the foot.  Was PT a major part of that, or do you think it was just time?

Went to a therapeutic massage therapist last night and my leg feels great.  By the time she finished with my bad leg, I had better ROM than I did on my good leg.  Therapeutic massage isn’t as comfortable as swedish-spa-style massages, but the benefits are amazing.  My scar is already less “stuck” feeling.  She did some very cool passive stretches as well, pulling my toes up and down to the extent they had never been before.  Already booked for another session on Monday.  Highly, highly recommended.  It also feels good to be able to DO something for my leg before I can get out of the boot, and before I’ve been prescribed PT.

Went to my lifting class today and did most of the things standing up in the boot this time, rather than on my knees or skipping the exercise altogether.  Was finally able to do some deadlifts and deadrows.  My back was still in pretty strong shape, thanks to those &%$#ing crutches, may they burn in hell.  But my poor little hamstrings have lost all their sparkle.  Nice-n-sore today, and it actually feels marvelous.

Life without crutches makes all the difference.  So keep your heads up, you NWB-ers.  Good thinks are coming!

Spent all weekend FWB and it felt terrific.  Went to a party at my friends farm Saturday.  As long as I sat down regularly to give my good leg a break, I was fine walking/standing on the booted leg.  Went to the grocery store and actually bought what I wanted… knowing that I can actually cook now that I can stand.  I’ve been buying food I can wolf and toss for a month now and getting real eggs was a thrill.

 For those waiting desperately to weight bear, I’m AMAZED at how quickly my leg adjusted to walking and bearing weight.  It felt weird, but not painful, to walk.  It still does, particularly in the morning when I just begin.  Found the shoes that are the right height to counter the boot, and walking became much less awkward.  Must go slow and steady, as I feel like I could really hurt my knee if I push it.  I’ve also felt a twinge in my lower back at night, which can almost certainly be attributed to the slight difference in the height of my legs w/the boot.  I try to stretch my back in the morning and at night to baby it through this booted phase of recovery.  I can tell my leg is getting some strength back as it adjusts to walking again.

 Anyway, feels great not to have to get someone else to carry my coffee, and to go to the copier all by myself… 

Ran errands today and didn’t even put my crutches in the car.  Feels great to be weight bearing, though I’ll admit to some soreness in my leg.  Not PAIN, per se, just soreness.  Elevation, a little ice at night pretty much keeps me comfortable on that count.

Been doing ankle circles, toe points and flexes, and the alphabet 3-4 times a day and noticing increased ROM and more fluidity in the motion.  Yay!  Off to the gym to do 10-15 minutes on the bike.  If I can work up to half an hour by week 6, I’ll be quite happy.  I miss sweating.  Weird.  Did 5 minutes on the bike on Thursday.  When I stopped pushing with my good leg, I found that my ATR leg had been doing virtually none of the work.  God sooo weak so fast.  Crazy.

My friend the pig farmer is having the annual Swinefest pig-roast tonight, and I may even participate in horseshoes.  We’ll see…

Met with the Doc yesterday who pronounced me “healing nicely”.  Seemed unsuprised that I had been PWB already and told me to use the next 4 weeks to progress to FWB.  In my mind, that means next week, but I’ll try to keep it slow and steady.  He also said that the boot for maybe another 4 weeks after THAT.  Ick.  I wanna be a cool kid in the two shoes club before that, so I’m going to have to use my expensive education to exert powers of persuasion on him to let me loose a little earlier than that.

Was unable to make an appointment during the prescribed week, so I suggested the receptionist bump me up a week, which she did.  Mu-HA-HA!!!  While making that appointment, I stopped the doc to see if it was ok if I did some stationary cycling, and he said no problem, just low resistance without even batting an eye. 

It occurs to me that no doctor is going to OFFER UP the idea of any kind of strain.  It’s sooo on the patient to ask and research and be their own advocate.  My doctor is a super nice guy, but there was no reason for him to say, in the office, “you should do some cardio, its good for you, why don’t you cycle?”  I’m so grateful for this site and the brain-trust we have.  I never would have thought to ask that otherwise.

 So keep posting, my ATR friends.  It’s already made a huge difference in my sanity, and now my fitness!