Back at the scene of the crime and I’m hating it!
So I can’t believe it but I’m back at the scene of the crime! My friend surprised her husband with a birthday party at the fowling place where my injury happened. It’s only been five months and I will admit it’s emotional to be back here, especially when I’m with people who don’t even understand how life altering this injury is! And some, friends who I love, actually are making jokes but there is nothing funny about it. Like I used to be fearless! I would try all kinds of adventure, physical activity. Now I worry about people stepping on my toe on my left foot. It really just goes to show how little people understand something unless they’ve been through it themselves. BTW there is no way in hell I’m playing this game tonight! I am sitting and watching and typing this post! This Achilles journey is as much emotional as it is physical. I hate it!
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Hopefully the mental barriers will go away as time passes. For me the mental part is different since I had a planned surgery to deal with a problem I’ve had for more than a decade rather than a sudden rupture. I had my mind *mostly* prepared for the long healing process. But, of course, you don’t really realize just how long everything takes until you’re living through it. I’m sure you’ll be fowling once again at some point in the future! If not tonight - hey - that’s OK too! You also had to deal with more than some due to that blood clot.
I’m like cserpent in that my surgery was planned (Haglund’s Deformity removal and Achilles repair). I thought the 15 weeks I had to wait from the time I booked my surgery until the time it actually happened, was pure torture. But at least I had time to prepare and arrange my schedule. Being thrown into this without warning would definitely be worse.
I agree that the emotional toll is as hard, or harder than the physical challenges. And as soon as you’re no longer using crutches or wearing a boot everyone thinks you’re “all better now”. Right, 2 years of atrophy (in my case) are “all better now” after a few weeks in a cast. People just don’t get it. But we get it. I’ve had surgery twice since last April on the same ankle, so I totally get your fear and apprehension of returning to the scene of the crime. Just thinking about doing it all again is horrible…I know, because I have.
My PT has been amazing - so much more of a therapist than just a physical therapist. She has given me plenty of pep talks, and got me turned around emotionally on several occasions. I bet your sense of adventure will slowly return as time passes. At least a little bit. In the meantime, try to find joy where you can, like being the best and loudest cheerleader for your friends while they play. For now.
Lulu - I am ashamed, but I have to admit that I needed to look up “fowling”, to see what the heck it is!!! I had NO idea! LOL!
Sometimes the emotional healing can be harder than the physical healing. We all have our ups and downs - just hoping that the ups are more frequent and more emotionally lasting than the downs! And, we get how you might be a bit apprehensive about getting back out there - that’s ok. For now, just get a beer (or wine, or whatever drink of choice!), and be a spectator. If/when you’re ready to get back on the court (court? field? alley? I don’t know!), your body and brain will let you know. And, I think, as you get more confident in your ankle and your walking, you will be more likely to try new things again! It’ll just happen naturally.
I can vouch that the mental fears do go away with time Lulu. It’s part of the process and it will change with time as you get stronger and have more faith in your achilles. I am approaching 1 year mark and do not really think about achilles. That time is different for everyone, but it will come.
Also with others, I used to get frustrated all the time when I started walking and friends were saying, oh, good to see you recovered already (that was month 4 or so) and I knew I am putting so much work into recovery daily and have still such a long road ahead and was definitely nowhere close to being recovered.
The worst part was I was not able to wear flat shoes for a long time, but heels felt really good even in early weeks of walking in shoes (on stretch for achilles). Ppl automatically assumed that I am back to 100%. That was driving me bunkers for a long time, especially that some were pretty good friends. BUT - I put myself in their shoes - I was them before my rupture. I had no idea how bad ATR or ACL injuries are. I had a really good friend who had ACL and I probably did not call him enough, not knowing how bad this injury is and how sucky that time probably was for him. I was that uninformed friend then. Keeping that in mind made me little bit more patient with friends, even if that meant describing where I am at at the moment many times and reminding them that it takes about a year to recover. They do not mean bad when joking, or not understanding, even though it can be frustrating for us.
Good thing there are online support forums like this one, where everyone understands exactly what a pleasurable milestone, like taking shower while standing on 2 legs mean, for instance.
Hang in there, you will be back to fowling in no time - and Eric - I also had to look it up, lol.
Thanks everyone for your support! It’s great to have a community of folks who understand what this is like. And Agnes you’re so right about being patient with friends. They just don’t get it no matter how much we wish they could. Without experiencing it themselves and I wouldn’t wish them any harm. So I will just take a deep breath and try to explain as best I can what I’m dealing with and the moment. Even if I have to do it multiple times
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